Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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