he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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