So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
