Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
