i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
