"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
