Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
