Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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