is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
