aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So vagazzling was a success
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
