So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
