pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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