You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
