No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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