Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
