Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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