Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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