Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's shark week go big or go home
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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