Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Someone shit on the floor
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
