it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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