If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Randomize
