Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
