Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
