When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
