tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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