Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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