I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
