i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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