There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
