I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
