you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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