i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
