my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
