so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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