You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
