so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
