i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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