I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
