I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
