just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
pop tarts are not kleenex
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
