While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
