someone threw a dead crab at me
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I didn't notice because vodka
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
