Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
