How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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