Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
