my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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