u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
