I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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