I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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