You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
