Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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